“Life is so funny, right?”

Status: Quo Minus

By F. Theresa Gillard

BOSTON, MA—(Weekly Hubris)—3/1/10— Life is so funny, right? Like practically nonstop funny. It could just be my life. O.K., in all probability, it’s actually my life that is interestingly, consistently and weirdly funny.

It got so bad (funny) there for awhile that my aunt suggested I find a psychic to find out just what the heck was going on.

I mean really. The checkout line I choose is always the slowest and some price check issue sends my line’s number light a-flashing. This happens at tolls too. The elevator will stop on every floor or, better yet, I get stuck in the elevator (keep in mind that I am claustrophobic). My debit card takes an amazing amount of time to clear. Meanwhile, the cashier is looking at me like, lady now you knew you didn’t have any money in that account. But, I do! I do. I always want to mutter.

And, the fun just never stops. The other night my lights go out. No electricity, no problem. It was around midnight anyway. Might as well hit the hay.

Next morning around 6AM, I’m awakened by my loud obnoxious neighbors screaming in the street. Whilst I cover my head with a pillow, I’m still privy to the street conversation.

“Is your electricity on?” No answer, that I can hear.

“Tree fell down … backyard and shattered the fence!” Again, no response that I hear.

“Schools are closed.” This time a response is heard from what I believe to be some of those school kids, “Alright!”

I decide to roll over and see for myself. Definitely no electricity, my alarm clock is digit-less. Although there’s no school, there is work. Interesting, getting ready for work without electricity. About the only thing that looks half way decent upon leaving the house are my teeth. It’s a breeze to brush your teeth with no lights. Not so much luck for my hair. I’m sure I was a sight to see, but how would I know? I didn’t have enough daylight inside to see myself in the mirror.

Time to go. Grab my keys and the garage switch, lock the door, turn around and the garage is still down. Man, I think, didn’t I press that switch before I came outside? Duh! No electricity. O.K., no problem, I’ll just manually open it.

Problem, it won’t open. Not even budging. Great. I call the landlord and leave a nice message, “Hi, there’s no power and the garage won’t open. I tried lifting it. No luck. Please call back as soon as possible. I have to get to work.”

I then call my aunt and inform her and ask if my brother, who is arriving that night, can stay with her if my power is not restored. She says that that’s no problem, but asks how exactly do I think I’m getting to work? I tell her that the landlord will call back with a solution.

She says, “Theresa, you got to be kidding me. You must not really want to get to work. I’ll come get you and you can drive one of our cars.” You gotta love family.

Meanwhile, my landlord calls. And, unfortunately, my aunt called it. My landlord tells me that there’s nothing she can do for me. It’s a freestanding garage with no other entry except the garage door. I am basically screwed until the power is back on. She admits that this has never happened before.

Excellent, this is the ongoing story of my life. Along about now, most would be thinking this cannot get any worse. I have long since learned to never utter or even think that, because for me, it can and most often does.

When you live a life like mine, you always have to think ahead. Now, I park in a lot in Boston that’s near my job. To park there, you have to have a sticker on your car. Obviously, the car I’ll be driving does not have the required sticker. No problem. I’ll just explain the situation and they’ll let me in.

This should happen for a number of reasons. Number one, they see me every week day, thus they know me. Number two, I have my employee identification and number three, I pay over two hundred a month to park there.

Problem. I get there and the not so nice guy comes out. He does this exaggerated scanning of the car for the sticker and then says, “I don’t see a sticker on this car.”

I say, “Of course you don’t (he knows this isn’t the car I usually drive). My power is out and I had to borrow this car.”

Mr. Man says, “Ma am, I don’t make the rules. I can’t let you in.” And, he simply turns and walks away.

He leaves me sitting there contemplating my options. Option 1, I get out. I go into that little hut that he and three other guys occupy all day long sitting around doing absolutely nothing, least of all checking the parked cars to make sure they have stickers, and I slap him silly. Option 2, I park anyway and come back to find the car towed. As I’m considering my third option, the nicer guy comes out and tells me that I’ll have to go over to the parking office and get a day pass.

Fine. I somehow backup onto a busy one way three lane street and head over to the parking office. This office just happens to be inside a parking garage; therefore, you have to find a park on the street at a meter, feed the meter and walk.

This done, I enter the office and ask nicely for a day pass. The guy asks me for the car registration. I’m thinking that he’s got to be kidding me! Whilst I think this, he’s reiterating, “We need the registration to give you day pass.”

I lift up my sunglasses. I don’t say a word. I’ve just about had enough of this day and this guy is about to be the straw. He senses this and says, “Just fill this out, but next time make sure you bring the vehicle registration.”

I don’t respond, but I do fill out the card. I stop at the license plate number. I tell him that I don’t know the plate number. He tells me that the registration has that on it. I welcome this landmark information with a glare.

He quickly tells me to just skip it. He makes a copy of the card and gives it back to me. I thank him and walk back to the car.

I drive back over to the parking lot. Not so nice Mr. Man has not left his post. I show him the pass, which he blows off as though I never needed it and says, “Put that on the dash.”

It’s all I can do, after wasting 30 minutes, not to run him over. I still might.