“Objects . . . Of My Affection”

Status: Quo Minus

by F. Theresa Gillard

BOSTON, MA—(Weekly Hubris)—7/26/10—If you recall, I recently lost my Xerxes, Crazy Cat, in October. If you don’t recall, you’re in trouble and in luck. Trouble: because you should have read it by now. Luck: because my homage to Xerxes is posted right here on Weekly Hubris. Go now: read . . . and come back.

When I returned to work, my thoughtful friends Dr. Kahn, Melanie, Beth, Sherri and Christina, gave me a wonderful cactus arrangement. It has a bunch of prickly ones, two tower-like fuzzy looking ones and a plump thorny one.

I so know that you’re not suppose to attach feelings to (so-called) objects. I remember years ago being pulled off Newbury Street in Boston by a Christian Science zealot. The zealot escorted me a few streets over towards Storrow Drive into this huge brownstone.

There I found other kidnapees busy taking what appeared to be a test. It was explained to me that the findings of this paper menagerie would help me focus and find my true self. How far from Christian Science would that be, I wondered?

I’ve always been way too curious. Of course, I had to know what trickery was at work. It took a hot minute to take the thing. The questions were appropriately probingly weird.

After, I was escorted to a little table in a little room to receive the disturbing news. It would seem that I’d been heading down a destructive road my entire life and now Christian Science was my light in the tunnel: I’d miraculously reached safely. I simply could not wait to hear how I’d gone so far astray.

Well, stop the merry madness. My little CS test indicated that one of my major issues was my habit of attaching emotions to objects. Like hearing a song that transports you to a different time and place.

Thank the Lord (!), the CS folks had a cure. All I had to do was take their book (they were giving the things away like nobody’s business) and join their movement. OK, I thought, that’s enough fun for one day. Thus, I got the hell up out of Oz.

Considering my CS diagnosis, my attachment to my cactus wasn’t surprising. Sherri told me that all I had to do was spray my cactus once a week. No problem.

You may not know this about me, but I have a couple of green thumbs. My beautiful cacti were living quite well in my office. They were housed in a square glass planter surrounded by moss. Lovely.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I notice a strange looking mold-like growth along the edge of the glass. Oh, no! My cactus seemed to be in distress. Not good. This was on a Friday.

I come in on Monday to find one of the fuzzy tower ones has taken an unfortunate turn for the worse. It has collapsed. I am immensely saddened.

Our florist, Chaba, is just a couple of blocks up the street. We have a deal with the florist to purchase fresh flowers weekly for our office and this is where my “arrangement,” my object of affection, came from.

Julie always goes on Mondays to get our fresh flowers for the week. I tag along with my sick cactus in tow.

To my dismay, the owner is not in. So, I explain to his sister that my cacti need to be repotted due to the yellowing mold growth. She says that it’ll be no problem and I can pick the plants up in a couple of days. Great.

In a couple of days, Julie reminds me that my cacti need to be picked up. I, being Theresa, almost instantaneously forget again. And, Julie, being Julie, picks up my cactus arrangement for me.

I arrive at work, after taking a much-needed (not to mention deserved) day off, to find a round fish-bowl-looking arrangement—comprising some unknown plants and one “foreign” cactus—occupying my desk.

I literally start to hyperventilate. Where is my Xerxes cactus arrangement? Did he trash it? No, surely he did not! It was dropped off alive and practically well.

I call Julie for an explanation. Julie says that that’s my replacement. I tell her that I did not and do not want a replacement. What I want is my Xerxes cacti back. Julie says that she’ll call and take the thing back.

This is done. We send our trusty intern, Kameron, to go pick up my cactus. He’s not gone five minutes and he’s calling.

He says, “He wants to know if a wood planter is okay?”

I say, “What? Where’s my original square glass planter?”

He says, “He says he doesn’t have any glass ones here. He can bring one from home tomorrow.”

I say, “Put him on the phone.”

Mr. Chaba says, “Hello, how are you?” Not waiting for a response, he continues, “I’ll get it all fixed up. You’ll love it!”

I say, “Well, I loved the other one. You see I’ve become emotionally attached to it. It was a gift when my cat died.”

Mr. Chaba says, “Oh, that’s so sad. I’ll make a new one, make it all better.”

I say, “Actually, no. I don’t want a new one. That’s why I sent the other one back. I want mine back.”

Mr. Chaba says, “No worry. I fix it.”

Is it just me? I am very worried. Why can’t the simplest things just turn out at least halfway decent for me? No, really. Why?

Of course, Mr. Chaba sends back the absolutely-not-my cactus. And, Kameron says that he saw my cactus in the shop up on a shelf. I call Julie.

I say, “By now, I know the entire office thinks I’m crazy. But, I really need to get my Xerxes cactus back.”

Julie says, “Do you want me to go back?”

I say, “Yes, please. This is like losing Xerxes all over again. I need it back. Just tell him give it to you. I’ll repot the thing myself.”

Julie calls from the sidewalk in front of Chaba’s.

She says, “The shop is closed, but I can see your cactus plant on the shelf. I see it!”

I say, “Praise the Lord. OK, we’ll just need to get in there tomorrow and get it back.”

Tomorrow comes. Julie goes over to Chaba. She knows that she cannot come back to the office without my cactus.

Success. I open my office door to find my cactus. I’m so excited! But, wait: it’s still surrounded by mold. All he did was remove the dead one.

By now, Julie really shouldn’t be taking my calls. But, she does.

I say, “Julie thank you so much for getting it back. I really appreciate this.”

She says, “You’re welcome. He was holding it for you, but he didn’t know quite who he was holding it for.”

I say, “OK, well that explains that. But, um, it still has mold. And, I know I said I’d do it . . .”

She says, “No problem. I’ll take it back. It won’t get lost again. He knows who it’s for.”

Julie comes back and says that he’ll completely repot it, using the existing cacti and the same container. I almost kiss her.

Furthermore, she says that he’s repotting the wrong one in a square container for me. I was like, why? That’s not mine. But, Julie says that, evidently, I was going to have two whether I wanted them or not.

I say, “At this point, I’m willing to take two as long as I get my one back.”

So, after two weeks, more than several trips to Chaba, and much unnecessary anxiety, I finally have my Xerxes cactus arrangement back on the corner of my desk. And, all is well.

As for that extra cactus-like arrangement, it has found a delightful spot in the front office. It’s a very nice arrangement in a nice square glass container.

The best part is that I won’t be attaching any emotions to it.