“Stop Internet Dating!”

Status: Quo Minus

by F. Theresa Gillard

“Lonely Not”

I cry for all that
I’ve lost,
all that I’ve gained
for living life
w/o shame.

If it’s a circle
in the round of
it, I square out
screaming of joy
w/i blood wrenched
cards held by a glimpse.

When all is done,
nothing is said to
make it right or wrong.
And, yet, I see tears
never to sparkle
cheek to chin.

Forever I shall
seek the found
falling away knowing
the known to no one

Alone to start
to end.

.

BOSTON, MA—(Weekly Hubris)—3/8/10—You know I’m still braving this dating thing. It’s scary at best. I’m not so sure about the Internet as a dating medium, but what else is there?

And, where are all the black men? Maybe they aren’t looking for black women. This leaves me with chocolate-fantasy seekers who think that I am some repressed ghetto queen. It sucks. I get texts asking, “What’s up Mama?” Get real. No black man would ever text that.

It’s hard to hold myself back. I’d like to text, “Who you calling Mama?” Intentionally leaving out proper conjugation, because Lord knows that, no matter what, he won’t get it.

Not so long ago, this guy contacted me via a dating site. Let’s call him Bob (since that is what he called himself).

We chatted via Yahoo. I have to admit that I knew it was a scam from the start, but I just couldn’t help myself. I mean, I don’t get much winter entertainment up here.

Bob said he was working on a project in the Middle East. He was widowed, from Florida, and had a young son. This project would take a month or more to complete. His goal was to complete the project and open a jewelry store in Florida, which he wanted me to manage. We would, of course, marry first.

He proposed to me via Yahoo Messenger and sent me all of these oaths, which he had me cut, paste and replace his name with mine. Once my oaths were returned to him, he’d have these dramatic pauses (yes, this is possible via chats). Then, he said that he was crying because he couldn’t contain himself. This was all he’d ever wanted. I was so beautiful and I’d make a wonderful mother and spouse. Right.

I knew the climax had to be coming. Besides, I was expending way too much time chatting. He really deserved to be nominated for an Oscar. It was either coming soon, or I would have to break off our “engagement.”

As all scams go, money is always the root. Bob told me that he couldn’t wait any longer. He needed me to send him $5,000 so that he could hire more workers to finish the project sooner.

LOL. You got to wonder how many lonely women have actually bought into his crap and sent him money. Exploiting a person’s loneliness is cruel, but not so unusual dating-site punishment.

I told Bob that under no circumstances would I be sending him money. He begged. Didn’t I love him? What about the oaths I’d taken? Didn’t I want to see him?

I answered him by saying that if he truly were in love with me, then he would not be asking for money.

Bob lamented for days. Finally, he asked me for my address and $1,000 to buy jewelry to stock his phantom store. He’d mail the jewelry to me. Fly to Boston, and then we’d fly to Florida together. Talk about your white horses.

Around about then, the dating site sent a message notifying users that Mister Bob had been kicked off the site for undisclosed reasons. Hmm, wonder why?

The fun just never stops. I was in Act III of “Bob Arrives and Sweeps Theresa Off Her Feet.” Not much happening at this point. Why not forward Bob his dating site dismissal?

Bob responds quite honestly for the first time, saying, “Theresa maybe this is why you’re still alone.”

Vehemently, I agree. This is precisely the reason I am solo. Per my poem: “Alone to start, to end.”

Truly, I am OK alone. The key is that I am not lonely. If necessary, I’ll wed myself to prove it. . .and you’re all invited.

The jewelry appropriate for the occasion you’ll have to buy, yourselves.