Searching
Status: Quo Minus
Searching
In this blizzard of so called snow
We search for reasons to know
Ice and fire we try mixing
We freeze and burn dreadfully slow.
We only talk missing it all.
You have another—wife she’s called
Why, not once but twice, answered ice
No, to say yes would thaw the walled.
We were meant to be bound apart
Hours wondering how to sort
Burnt bits from frozen icicles
Life’s wicked memories sear hearts.
We are two halves to never whole,
Life takes its bitter icy toll
As we wait, taking our frail souls,
As we wait, taking our frail souls.
August 1999
“ISO”
by F. Theresa Gillard
BOSTON Massachusetts—(Weekly Hubris)—11/21/11—It seems that we are always searching. Even when the lost is found, we continue to search. Is it a blessing or a curse? I’ll leave you to ponder that one.
I’ve seen it happen time and time again. People make a commitment—marriage, career, partnership, dieting—and, before you know it, like seriously, before the deal is even done, five pounds even lost, it’s over. Why is this?
By now, you must be wondering either where am I going with this or where’s this coming from. Well, funny you should ask.
Actually, I sat myself down here to update my résumé. And, it got me to thinking—it really doesn’t take much to get me to thinking—about our obsession with “what’s next.”
Like, seeing October snow fall here in Boston. Magnificent. Of course, we know what’s coming . . . more and more snow, but only through March (we hope and many pray).
We had a good amount of this October snow; not just flurries. And, most towns had to postpone Halloween due to snow-induced power outages.
Halloween is not one of my favorites. So, you can best bet that I will either intentionally not go home until after tricks and treats or my light bulb is not just off, but removed.
Just so happened that my Aunt Corine and I were just sitting down to some delicious take-out Mexican food from Casa Blanca’s in Andover when, lo and behold, her doorbell starts going crazy.
We look at each other, not saying a word. This is what we were silently communicating: “The light is not on.” “I know they’re not still ringing that thing.” “Seriously?”
I speak aloud, “If they don’t step away from that dark porch soon, they’ll be getting some tricks without the treats.”
My aunt gives me a wry smile, as she knows I may just get up and scare the hell outta them. And, thus, Andover’s reputation as a nice safe town is changed forever. There goes the neighborhood.
Or, coming home to find my “Leave!” doormat turned around, in essence inviting me to leave. Now, what exactly could my neighbor be searching for? Obviously, she does not know me. This passive aggressive attempt boils my just plain aggressive holding-it-back reaction.
The first time she did it, I just stood there looking down at it, whilst talking myself out of ringing her doorbell and . . . (you fill this one in).
I suppose she enjoys seeing that I’ve turned the mat back around to face my visitors. I’m not sure why my “Leave!” welcome mat gets so much attention. I even put it at the back door this time. It’s just plain good fun. Knowing of its existence has sent many readers in search of it (try Bed, Bath & Beyond).
As you know, there are many things that I am constantly in search of, like my next abode; a half-way decent, single, straight man; a reasonable ticket South; a good debate; an end to stupid questions and ridiculous conversations; no more daylight saving time; a good reason for Xerxes’s (the cat; not the king) not being here; an ant’s day-to-day thoughts; a great pair of boots; my car keys; my cell phone; an entrée I actually like.
I need a drum roll please. And, my ultimate that I will always be ISO: my next job. Alas, my Achilles’ heel. Hey, what can I say? It could be worse, right?
Now, it’s your turn. What do you find yourself always ISO?
F. Theresa Gillard
F. Theresa Gillard characterizes herself as a Black—not an African American; born/raised in South Carolina; currently residing in New England; never married; no children. Her day benefits-gets-her-bills-paid-job: a Director at a university in Boston. She proclaims herself to be a passionate never-gets-around-to-it writer who is a Rap-House Music/Cheeze-It junkie. What she writes is who she is—meaning she is a take-it-or-leave-it, yes-or-no, with-no-maybe-or-possibly person: basically, she feels it all comes down to that initial “F.” Email Theresa: [email protected] (Author Head Shot Augment: René Laanen.)
10 Comments
AH
I’m always ISO no foolishness!
Love the mat!
Cortney Ellis
You are too funny. My “ISO” would have to be finding a career path that i am sure of and that I enjoy. A nice, half decent, and single man would be a lovely addition to that as well. Hope all is well. Happy Holidays.
ftg
*Hey AH – Happy Thanksgiving! Hope you had a great one. No foolishness. I’ll take that. We could all benefit from that one :-).
*Cortney – The “enjoy” is the hard part and it may take some serious searching. You’re well on your way. Just keep it up. Happy Holidays to you too!
F. Theresa
LaTonya
A cure for bras, pantyhose, and heels…
A life…after 10+ years of being a student, I am finding it VERY hard to adjust to being just a professional…I don’t know what it means to go out and have fun at night (or on the weekend for that matter) without thinking the whole time about what I have to do when I get home…
A man I wouldn’t have second thoughts about settling down with….so my Mama and other relatives will get OFF MY BACK about being the only female in the family with no man and no babies (as if this is the only thing that can make you a real woman)…I’m okay with it, and I refuse to settle for just anyone, even if my baby-making clock is winding down…
ftg
LaTonya – Amen & Amen.
I was just having this conversation about how fast time is warping by us. The person I was conversing with said that she thought it was due to us cramming way too much into our days. You know, it’s really like we’re stressing ourselves through life to the extent that we don’t even remember living it. Both sad and scary. It took me years to realize that precious moments were long past. You have to schedule yourself into your calendar. And, I do mean “into.” My friend Monique and I made a pact to go out at least once a month – just us for no apparent reason. We’re not allowed to spend the entire time talking about work. You need to learn how to shutdown – an ‘Off’ switch or start out with a ‘Pause’ button. Meditation would be a great start. My editor, EBH, is an expert – read some of her stuff on the subject. In the meantime, schedule ‘you’ time regularly. Schedule it and keep the appointments.
Men – ISO of just one the species: man. Keep up the good fight. DO NOT SETTLE. That’s why an astounding number of marriages aren’t successful. I had countless settling opportunities. I know it’s wrong when I start trying to talk myself into it and making excuses for shortcomings. My guiding light tells me that I’m not looking for someone to plug into (I have my own illumination) and neither am I an outlet. A man needs to come with his own light & it better be ON. Our lights combined should be brighter, not dimmer. Until you find that right mix, shine on. Your back-riders will just have to wait. Really, what other options do they have?
F. Theresa
eboleman-herring
FT, dern it! Now, you see? In the comment above you just wrote another whole g%$#^&*^%d column, and you should have SAVED that good stuff for next week!!! Writers! Don’t let that stuff just leak out! It doesn’t get any better than: “DO NOT SETTLE. That’s why an astounding number of marriages aren’t successful. I had countless settling opportunities. I know it’s wrong when I start trying to talk myself into it and making excuses for shortcomings. My guiding light tells me that I’m not looking for someone to plug into (I have my own illumination) and neither am I an outlet. A man needs to come with his own light & it better be ON. Our lights combined should be brighter, not dimmer. Until you find that right mix, shine on.” xoxoxoxoxoxo boleman-herring
ftg
EBH – LOL, I know! I didn’t realize until way too late. Sad, but true. I’m gonna go and pretend to write a column immediately. . . BTW, gonna need some prayer to accomplish this. :-)
F. Theresa
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Brian
Another great story Theresa. I find myself searching for, among other things, a shoebox full of fifties.
Brian
ftg
Brian – You are so funny. Yeah, I’d love to find those fifties too.
F. Theresa