Cat Phaser

Won Over By Reality

by Tim Bayer 

WEBSTER NY—(Weekly Hubris)—10/24/11—I discovered that what I believed to be a useful device for my home might actually be some sort of passive weapon that affects small, furry animals. It appears to be a Cat Phaser.

My understanding of a phaser is that of a hand held weapon featured on the show “Start Trek”. On the show, a human hit with a phaser shot would be rendered unconscious.

To combat high heating bills here in western NY, in my house I installed a big metal thing with glass front doors. I build a fire in the device and it produces heat and an audience of cats. I learned that, similar to the phaser from Star Trek, a cat wandering into range of this operating device is often tranquilized.

First thing this morning, I ventured into the living room and discovered my cats next to the device, sprawled out on the floor. I “rescued” the groggy animals and relocated them out of the range of this feline phaser. The cats complained about being moved but otherwise were unharmed by the experience. I went to my computer and started working.

An hour or so later, I took a break from my computer work. I found that the animals had unwittingly wandered into the phaser zone, got blasted, and were once again flat on the floor. I am pleased to report that the second rescue operation was successful. It is clear that the Cat Phaser effect is temporary, causing the animals no ill effects. Back to my computer.

Lunch time; I get up from the computer to discover that my cats are stupid. They learn nothing from the previous experience. They had again fallen victim to the device and I repeated the operation of clearing bodies from proximity of the weapon.

The pattern has become well established. Periodically throughout the day I stop what I am doing to rescue animals from the Cat Phaser.