Felines Rule

Won Over By Reality

by Tim Bayer

WEBSTER, NY—(Weekly Hubris)—5/10/10—For the King and Queen, life was good. Their human was well-trained, providing a comfortable, clean house with a constant supply of food and water, and a warm lap to sit upon when petting was required. That perfect world was rocked when The Intruder walked innocently through the back door.

In 1999, I had two cats, Maxton and Samantha, co-rulers of “my” household. My friend, John (you encountered John in a previous column, “Stalking My Twin”), was traveling for a week and asked me to take in his dog, Jordan, while he was away. Alas for poor Jordan!

Jordan is a beautiful, docile, and harmless 75-pound Golden Retriever. I have been around Jordan since she was a puppy and I knew she would not lay a paw on my cats.

A few friends, who’d heard about my upcoming dog and cat “experiment,” asked me to keep them informed about the ongoing interaction between Jordan and the prevailing household power brokers. So, I created a daily journal (a sort of running Jordan, Maxton & Samantha Blog) and fired off the following e-mail to the interested and aghast at week’s end:

Day 1: Enter Canine

Curious and friendly, the two felines come to the door whenever anyone enters the house. Max and Sam hear the car drive up and, as usual, both are waiting inside the back door. When the handle turns, however, instead of seeing a two-footed human, the opening portal reveals a four-footed, furry . . . Intruder.

The cats are furious, hissing and puffing up like blowfish. Sam can even make the hair on her tail puff up, and does. Max (a Manx—with no tail to puff up) is at a slight disadvantage in this department. However, Max can growl, it appears. I have not previously heard Max growl, but it is the funniest thing imaginable: a surprisingly low-toned, deep-throated, menacing howl, full of sound and “furry” —but coming from a 13-pound cat and, thus, not particularly daunting to a 75-pound Golden Retriever.

Jordan stands, motionless, and takes in the menacing display. What are these vile beings? And where is John to take me home?

After these inauspicious “introductions,” the cats take up surveillance positions at a safe distance from the intruder.

Each time Jordan has to walk past the felines, she averts her eyes. It’s as though she owes the cats money! Jordan spots Max and Sam, and notes their locations. As she passes them, suddenly something on the other side of the room becomes irresistibly fascinating and she looks away. After Jordan gets safely by, she glances back to see if the cats have noticed her in their vicinity. It looks, for all the world, as though Jordan believes that, “If I don’t see them, they can’t see me.” Whatever works for you, Jordan, say I.

Day 2: Cat Food

Jordan discovers that, Oh Joy!, there are little dishes of Food! (Food! Food! Food!) on the floor in the basement. If the Food! is unguarded by the furry little creatures with pointy toes, it is a tasty treat, indeed, though not dog food, precisely.

The cat food is now on a table, accessible to the cats, but out of the reach of Jordan. Rats!

Day 3: Tiptoe

Jordan will usually lie down in the computer room (my office) while I am working. Today, Jordan fell asleep, sprawled out near the doorway. Max wanted to come into the room and, upon wheeling around the corner as usual, spotted Jordan clogging up his access route. Zounds!

Max froze in mid-stride and stared. No reaction, of course, from the sleeping dog.

Max slowly and silently walked from side to side in the doorway, surveying the scene closely. Then, heeding the maxim, “Let sleeping dogs lie,” Max, very carefully, and in slow motion, tiptoed around the edges of Jordan’s feet—step, pause; step, pause—focusing intently on the snoring beast; measuring the dogs reactions with every footstep. Jordan slept through the entire event, of course, hearing neither the cat nor my badly muffled giggling.

Day 4: Dog Food

Twice a day, I put out food for Jordan. Sam discovers that if she races to the dog dish ahead of the Intruder, Jordan will wait patiently until Sam finishes eating and leaves before she will approach her dog chow. After observing this scene, I pick up Sam as I place Jordan’s food dish on the floor. Like many dogs, Jordan is a “spirited eater.” Sam will back off from an eating-Jordan, in much the same way she retreats from the vacuum cleaner.

Day 5: Trapped

Ever watchful, Sam often follows Jordan as she moves about the house. I notice Sam lying in a bedroom doorway, but continue on with what I am doing. About half an hour later, I hear Jordan whimper so I go to investigate. Sam has learned that Jordan will not step over her if she is in a doorway. So, Sam follows Jordan as she walks into a room, then lies down in the doorway, “capturing” the dog. Now, any time I observe Sam lying down in a doorway, I pick her up, carry her away, and free Jordan from the silent-feline-fence.

Later today, Sam is lying outside the bathroom while Jordan is standing inside it. At first, I think nothing of this, because the downstairs bathroom in my house has two doors and I can see that both doors are open. Jordan is a smart dog and no doubt is aware of the second doorway. Something seems odd about the situation, though, so I actually go into the bathroom for a closer look. Lying on the floor just outside the second bathroom door is Max. Two doors; two cats: one dog trapped in the middle. Dastardly felines!

Progress As of Day 6:

Max has declared an uneasy truce with Jordan. This means that instead of constantly hissing at Jordan on sight, Max will only hiss at Jordan during the occasional border skirmish.

Sam has moved close enough to do a nose-to-nose sniff-down with Jordan and has,further, terminated her “Jordan catch and release” program. The two have actually got to the point where they can pass each other in the hallway without Sam’s making an obscene gesture in Jordan’s direction. This is progress!

Jordan still averts her eyes when she has to walk past Max, however. In this house, cats still, and will always it seems, rule.