From Behind Closed Doors
Status: Quo Minus
by F. Theresa Gillard
BOSTON Massachusetts—(Weekly Hubris)—3/28/11—I work in an office with a door that has a lock. Not uncommon. Although I firmly support the “open door policy” in general, I am often forced to keep my door closed. This causes much ire in my office, which leads on to idle speculation. No mystery here: I deal with a lot of confidential information and tend to talk loud. My door is better left closed, sometimes.
Now, by the time one reaches my professional level, no one should be questioning what I’m doing behind a closed door. Working! However, when you work with close-minded individuals, there are countless “reining-in attempts” waged upon you. My favorite is the knock-plus-simultaneous-turning-of-the-door-handle. Like that’s ambiguous behavior.
This is why having an actual lock is priceless.
I’ve never been one to fit into any boxes, but I do very well when it comes to doors. My closed door offers me the opportunity actually to get some work done. I find that when I leave my door open, people see it as an invitation to stop by and have a sit-down.
It has always been true that people enjoy sharing all sorts of personal details with one another. This is a mystery to me. Why share with me? I certainly don’t have that warm ‘n’ fuzzy, welcoming aura. If you’ll recall, as a reader of my past columns, my virtual “welcome mat” has a very F. Theresa-ish salutation inscribed upon it: “Leave.”
What part of “Leave” don’t people get?
This said, it is amazing to me how many people are able to sense my true nature (the Theresa behind the F.) and just ramble on in through my door anyway. These people know I’m a marshmallow at heart and have a very caring nature (you know there’s got be a “Big But” coming) . . . but, if you really know me, you know that a coating of steel protects my marshmallow heart, and my caring nature is reserved for a select few.
This has all got me to thinking that life is really all about doors.
When I was all set to leave home and embark upon my freshman year at South Carolina State in Columbia, South Carolina, I received a last-minute notification that, due to an administrative error, I would not be able to start school that fall semester.
Big slamming door.
I was devastated. I had a sure sinking feeling that if I didn’t start college immediately upon graduating Westside High School, I’d be stuck in my hometown, Anderson, South Carolina, forever.
My Mom refused to accept her daughter’s defeat and forced me to apply to Anderson College.
In Anderson, South Carolina. Of course.
The two of us breathlessly ran around campus; our last stop of the day was at Financial Aid. By now, classes had already started. We were in the home stretch. A little glimmer of hope had started to flicker.
AC wasn’t even in my choices as far as higher education went. First and foremost, AC’s location was unacceptable and, at the time, AC was a two-year college. I wanted to be as far away from Anderson (without leaving South Carolina) as possible.
But, there we were, somehow, sitting in that Financial Aid office—our last hurdle. And, of course, road block. Big, locked door. “Do Not Pass Go” sign. I knew this as soon as we sat down. FA Lady gave us a glare that made me want to get up and walk out.
It was a look I was long accustomed to. It said, “What are you doing here with your Black self?” My Mom felt it, too. The difference was that my mother was determined. She would simply not be moved.
Knock and turn that handle.
FA Lady wanted to know how we’d thought I would be able to attend AC, a small, private, Baptist college. How, when school had already started and all of my FA paperwork was at SC State? Did we really think this was going to fly? Really, it would be a waste of time, she told us.
Here was a door.
One of those seemingly locked doors.
. . . and FA Lady stood firmly (she thought) blocking it.
There I sat, for a moment, not knowing that this door would fast swing open—miraculously, because we did not give up—not only leading me to a solid bachelor’s degree but, ultimately, on to key, life-shaping experiences and friendships.
I turned that handle, my mother’s hand on my own, and there was no lock.
I share all of this to say to you—that door you keep hesitating before? That door you just think is locked? Try it. Open it now. Don’t allow anyone to block it. Grab that handle and twist, or just kick the thing in.
From the other side, you be sure and give me a shout.
And, just for you, FA Lady, here’s a shout-out from the other side of my (now occasionally) locked office door in Boston: “Holla! I made it.”
F. Theresa Gillard
F. Theresa Gillard characterizes herself as a Black—not an African American; born/raised in South Carolina; currently residing in New England; never married; no children. Her day benefits-gets-her-bills-paid-job: a Director at a university in Boston. She proclaims herself to be a passionate never-gets-around-to-it writer who is a Rap-House Music/Cheeze-It junkie. What she writes is who she is—meaning she is a take-it-or-leave-it, yes-or-no, with-no-maybe-or-possibly person: basically, she feels it all comes down to that initial “F.” Email Theresa: [email protected] (Author Head Shot Augment: René Laanen.)
24 Comments
Christine
F. Theresa…. you go girl!!! If that FA lady gave you attitude about your “Black self”, she ought to be red with shame, what is wrong with people?! People are people no matter what color, creed, religion we may be, the good Lord put us all here to get along, what is the freakin’ problem? Glad that your Mom and you turned that handle and blew the door off its hinges! We love you just the way you are, bad ass or marshmellow!
Laura Lostimolo
Theresa,
This is the best one I have read. Very inspirational. Trying not to pay attention to the tears on my keyboard. Much needed. Thank you.
TDG
Anderson isn’t that bad and we sleep behind closed doors here. lol
It’s now Anderson University (big time) That FA lady told me to tell you that you were a day late and a dollar short but she is glad that you made it.
Cortney
Awesome article! My favorite yet. As much as we’d all like to think we have our lives mapped out, anything could happen at anytime and change that! Life is full of many unexpected turns; some leading to locked doors, others leading to opening doors, which eventually lead us right into success. I wish that FA Lady could see you now! ;)
Melanie
Well, I like to believe I got through that steel coating all by myself, but I’m pretty sure a cute little brown-eyed baby boy helped with that.
Also, if I’m ever in the position to kick down doors, I can’t think of anyone better to be at my side with her stomping boots on than our very own F. Theresa. And I hope you know I would always return the favor…
Becky
You are a magnet you are!! People are attracted to you on ALL kind of levels just look at the following you have! My question is when is the sleepover? Leave the door unlocked and my guess is that will be one wild time!
Auderia
This is why people keep coming to your door. They know they’ll get the much needed kick in the rear advise that keeps them moving forward. Thanks for writing:)
David
Theresa, what an awesome story and message. I’m going to keep grabbing door handles and trying to twist them open. Every time I try to open another door, I’ll be thinking of you.
Thanks!
Amit
You are my marshmallow and I love you so much. x0x0
ftg
*Christine – Amen!
*Laura – Bet you weren’t thinking you’d need a tissue :-) .
*TDG – No disrespect meant for Andersonians, maybe for AC – now AU. I’ll probably retire to Anderson, or you know my tendency to move back every 3 to 4 years.
*Cortney – True, one never knows. Yeah, wonder where that FA Lady is now? Probably somewhere making someone’s life miserable. Witch, that she was or it may be “is.”
I didn’t share this in the column, but Mom had to go to the President of AC to get me in. I was crying & want to just go home. She was like, NO WAY. Mom rocks! Hey Ma!
*Melanie – You got it right. You know I’m partial to brown-eyed little ones, especially your Little One.
*Becky – How’s the weather in Alaska? I keep asking you . . .
*Auderia – How’s it going? E-mail me. We need to catch up.
*David – Doors are nothing but slight barriers. You keep trying. One is bound to open, or at least crack a little – slip in.
Karen
Theresa, once again a wonderful article with a great message. You are an inspiration to all who read.
Rosalyn
I like this article girl!! You” go head ” with your black self, much love. I’ve had to lock and bust down a few doors in my time !
ftg
*Amit – I love you too!
*Karen – An inspiration, me? I’ll take that. Thank you! :-)
*Rosalyn – You know that I know about some of your doors, because we knocked down quite a few together, not mention closing some of them down.
diana
Wow, you really make me want to fly over to Boston and come walking through YOUR door.
ftg
Diana – LOL. Definitely for you, my door is always open. Although, when you come to Boston, let’s skip my door. There are many other actual tourist attractions and I’m a great tour guide.
David Brow
Damn, I wish we still worked together so I could be knocking on that door all the time.. LOL
ftg
David Brow – History has taught us that it is very unhealthy for you to be in close proximity to me for prolonged periods. My aura becomes a bit to overwhelming.
:-)
CYNTHIA RENDERS
I have never known you to stand at a locked door you are a kick that sucker in girl lol.
patricia
Hey for the lock door I being about that lately.
ftg
*Cynthia Renders – Yep, that sounds just about right. You’ve blown a few doors off the hinges yourself. Haven’t you?
*Patricia – What? I have no idea what you’re saying. Re-comment please. And, please explain how you wrote an indiscernible accent? Only you Patricia! :-)
luis dorantes
thanks there :)
ftg
*Luis Dorantes – Bitte. :-) And, thank you for stopping by.
Luis Dorantes
Dear Theresa, i was try to send the link for the picture that this great narration inspirate me, i put a litle inscription on it… of curse with you name. could you check if you have it? just for confirmation. …..or you enter to my gallery….. just search luis dorantes photostream on google, and you can see all my gallery, and the picture with the door, was inpirated for you narration.
www . flickr . com / dorantesluis
best regards.
ftg
**Luis! I love it. Danke dir. I did not receive the link, but I did follow your directions to get your ‘Door.’ BTW – name is always with an ‘F.’
Your photos are magical. I’ll be in Madrid one week from today.