Send the Roses . . .

Squibs & Blurbs

by Jerry Zimmerman

TEANECK, NJ—(Weekly Hubris)—10/25/10—Ah, stop and smell the roses!  An old and well-patina-ed dictum that is useful to us all. Of course, hearing it and understanding it and then actually being able to do it are quite different things.

But then, being able to step out of one’s quotidian routines for even a moment, on purpose, is a gargantuan task. So, I propose something a bit more prosaic and accessible: buy the roses and send them to your unsuspecting wife, girlfriend or lover.

OK, I admit this isn’t an earthshaking idea and, in fact, it’s quite a standard sentiment. However, it’s a small pebble in the pond with the possibility of very large ripples.

The idea came to me recently when talking to a friend, who happens to be a student in my martial arts school. He’s a lot younger than I, married and hard-working. He was complaining that it was difficult finding time to train because of his busy home and work schedule. Unbeknownst to him, earlier in the day, I had seen his wife and had a very similar conversation with her: she was working hard, going to school and picking up the slack so her husband could pursue the martial art he loved so much—yet she had no time to do what she loved, Yoga.

Hmmmm. Not being stuck in their particular rut with them, it seemed apparent that they needed a bit of a nudge to get the slightly stagnant water of their life flowing again. I suggested to my friend that he take it upon himself to buy some hours of Yoga lessons and present them to his wife as a gift and as a fait accompli (he says she always tells him she doesn’t have time for her Yoga). He thought that would be a great idea and I’m waiting to see how it all works out.

This got me thinking about how easy and normal it is for a wildly passionate and hugely exciting romance to turn into a rather distracted and bland daily partnership, dedicated to getting the bills paid, the chores done, the meals made and, whew!, into bed and ready for another day . . . .

Not that a life-long partnership with the one you love can or should remain at that intense electric level of first falling in love; we would all be thunder-struck every day and the world would basically collapse. There is deep and tremendous joy in sharing a life with someone. The depth of understanding, support and comfort that comes from a long and committed union is one of the rare gifts of being alive.

But falling asleep to your partner, to her interests, her needs, her struggles, is unacceptable and can tarnish any relationship—or, at the least, make it dull and heavy.

No one can be constantly alert to their life and those in it. In fact, it is almost impossible to wake up to your life, even for a moment, without some sort of external reminder. Sometimes, those outside forces are not so welcome: injury, tragedy, misfortune, death. Life sometimes really whacks you on the head to get your attention, and, Man, do you see things differently!  Of course, we want to right the ship as soon as possible and get happy again, but we are almost always changed by those events.

Let’s not wait for dire circumstances! Give yourself a chance to see something new while you are in good spirits, healthy, having your life humming along. It is possible to see something new, even for a moment. Take an extra peek at your wife studiously chopping vegetables. Forget the dinner, your work, your schedule for a second.

Remember the time you first touched her hand and your world changed. This is the same magical woman—she’s in your kitchen, she wants you to have a nice meal, she’s thinking about you, she cares how you feel, she wants to be living with you.

Every once in a while, send her the whole damn garden!