Bad Girls of the Bible–Episode One–Eve

Helen Noakes

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“Do you or don’t you want to know who did this? (ADAM nods) Thank you! I can’t figure it out without talking it out, do you understand? (Short pause) That tree was like nothing else in the garden. Everything about it was enticing. It had grace and poise. It was exquisitely shaped. Its colors, just the right shades and hues of brown bark, green leaves, golden apples with a blush of red. It reflected sunlight like a twinkling star—and the scent!” —Helen Noakes

Waking Point

By Helen Noakes

“Eve Tempted by the Serpent,” by William Blake, c. 1796.

“Eve Tempted by the Serpent,” by William Blake, c. 1796.

Helen Noakes

SAN FRANCISCO California—(Weekly Hubris)—March 2020—EVE tosses an apple up and down in her hand, contemplating it. After a second of serious consideration, she takes a little bite, chews. Something is happening. Her eyes light up, she looks down at herself in admiration, gives ADAM a long once over. Likes what she sees.

ADAM, in the meantime, is staring blankly into space, contentedly distracted. He finally looks at EVE, and watches her with mild interest, until she takes the bite. Then, he stares at her, too shocked to get any words out, and points an accusatory finger at her.

EVE                 (Smiles sweetly at ADAM) Adam!

EVE leans against him and presents the apple close to his mouth. Confused and aroused, ADAM opens his mouth to bite into the fruit. Huge clap of thunder. Blackout.

When the lights come up, EVE is sitting. ADAM is pacing nervously.

ADAM             You had to do it! Couldn’t leave well enough alone!

EVE                 (Calmly inspecting her nails) You sure it was God?

ADAM              (Shocked. Stops in his tracks.) Are you nuts! Who else could it be?!

EVE shrugs.

ADAM              No! No! Come on Miss Smart Ass!

EVE                 Mrs.

ADAM              What?

EVE                 Miss-iss! Big boy! And don’t you forget it!

ADAM              Like I could! Don’t change the subject.

EVE                 Well, I’m just saying. Why would God, who is, all-powerful, all-knowing, the ultimate alpha and omega, care if two little humans ingested a little knowledge?

ADAM              Knowledge of good and evil! 

EVE                 Fine! Why would God care? Seems to me He’d have more important things on His mind.

ADAM              It’s . . . it’s our disobedience He’s punishing. (Short pause) Probably.

EVE                 Disobedience! Did you ever actually hear God say we weren’t allowed to know things? (ADAM thinks) Well? (ADAM is still thinking) Oh, for heaven’s sake! The answer is no!

ADAM              Maybe it’s the other thing.

EVE                 What other thing?

ADAM              You know.

EVE                 Sex?!

ADAM              Shh!

EVE                 Really? Adam! You and I are the only one’s here! The first man, the first woman! Hello! Who’ll hear us?!

ADAM              I dunno . . . God?

EVE                 Yeah? Well, if I remember correctly, and I do, He told us—and I quote: “Be fruitful and multiply.” Remember?

ADAM              Yeah.

EVE                 So, how are we supposed to do that, by osmosis?!

ADAM              What’s osmosis?

EVE                 Maybe you should stick to naming animals. 

ADAM              So who kicked us out of Eden, then?

EVE                 Well, let’s piece it together, shall we? The tree appears out of nowhere. (Short pause) God! The thing was beautiful!

ADAM              Eve!

EVE                 What?

ADAM              Don’t take His name in vain!

EVE                 I didn’t. I used it in praise. (Glares at him) I hope you’re not going to be a pain, Adam! (Continues to glare) As I was saying, there’s this beautiful tree, full of golden apples…

ADAM              They weren’t gold, they were apples.

EVE                 It’s an expression, Adam! A description of their color—Adam! ( Short pause) You are going to be a pain, aren’t you!

ADAM              I was just saying! And just so’s we’re clear, you’re not a piece of cake either!

EVE                 Do you or don’t you want to know who did this? (ADAM nods) Thank you! I can’t figure it out without talking it out, do you understand? (Short pause) That tree was like nothing else in the garden. Everything about it was enticing. It had grace and poise. It was exquisitely shaped. Its colors, just the right shades and hues of brown bark, green leaves, golden apples with a blush of red. It reflected sunlight like a twinkling star—and the scent!

ADAM              Are we getting to the good part soon?

EVE                 And this magnificent tree had a surprise occupant.

ADAM              Okay! Stop right there! Time out! If you’re going to say that the serpent did it . . .

EVE                 TIME OUT?!

ADAM              I’m just saying! How can one itty bitty little snake . . . ?

EVE                 She wasn’t itty bitty!

ADAM              She?

EVE                 She!

ADAM              How’d you know?!

EVE                 Don’t be silly, Adam! She was wise, beautiful, sinuous, and seductive. Need I say more? 

ADAM              Yes, actually!

EVE                 I suppose I’ll have to be patient. You are a prototype after all.

ADAM              Yeah, well, guess what, Sweet Thing, so are you!

EVE                 Not quite! Lilith? Remember?

ADAM              Oh don’t bring up my ex!

EVE                 Fine! But the serpent, she was definitely not a prototype—not even a second-generation reptile. She was older than time! I could feel it! Hear it in her voice.

ADAM              Voice? All I heard was hissing.

EVE                 She was a little sibilant, I’ll give you that.

ADAM              How kind of you! Look! I know she made you do it . . .

EVE                 Nobody made me do it! I am perfectly capable of making decisions for myself—after considering the facts, of course.

ADAM              Fact was that we weren’t supposed to . . .

EVE                 Only weaklings prohibit! And God is definitely not a weakling. 

ADAM              Well . . . you gotta point there. Who then?

EVE                 LUCY! Of course! Adam, don’t you see?

ADAM              Who?!

EVE                 I refuse to give that misanthropic angel the dignity of the name he grabbed for himself! Arrogant, self-serving, pompous, vain . . .

ADAM              Oh! You mean Lucifer. I never could figure out why you two couldn’t get along.

EVE                 Because I saw through that envious little flyboy’s mind games, that’s why.

ADAM              You shouldn’t provoke him. If that’s who really kicked us out, it’s ’cause you provoked him.

EVE                 He was just a tool! This eviction was an idea whose time had come. And that mangey-winged so called being of light did what was expected of him.

ADAM              So, it was God!

EVE                 It was God’s plan, and we are the leads in his story. (Loudly, looking up and around her as she speaks.) Lucy was just a bit player. You hear that, Lucy! Your wings are molting! 

ADAM              Geez! Eve! Cut it out! He may kick us out of here, too!

EVE                 Nah. He’s done his itsy bitsy part.

ADAM              But what did the serpent have to do with it?

EVE                 Ah! The serpent! Well, clearly she’s a primeval power, Adam. She was in the tree to assure me that she’ll be our companion down here on earth. As a matter of fact, she’s here with us right now. (Walks away)

ADAM              Where you going?

EVE                 To build her a shrine. I’m thinking she’d appreciate that, being a earth goddess and all. Besides, I need a place where I can go for some wise woman talk, for goddess sake! (EVE exits)

ADAM              (Stares after her for a beat. Addresses the heavens.)            I don’t mean to be critical, and I’m not! Really! It’s just that this second woman isn’t much different from the first, and I’m wondering, God, if maybe you might consider a third, less . . . how shall I put it . . . (Thunder rolls loudly. Lightning flashes. ADAM drops to his knees.) N . . . no . . . that’s okay! She’s okay! Yeah. Just fine! No offense.

AND SO IT BEGAN!

Helen Noakes

About Helen Noakes

Helen Noakes is a playwright, novelist, writer, art historian, linguist, and Traditional Reiki Master, who was brought up in and derives richness from several of the world's great traditions and philosophies. She believes that writing should engage and entertain, but also inform and inspire. She also believes that because the human race expresses itself in words, it is words, in the end, that will show us how very similar we are and how foolish it is to think otherwise.
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2 Responses to Bad Girls of the Bible–Episode One–Eve

  1. Avatar Diana says:

    Helen dear, this is brilliant. So funny, a lovely scene from the first battle of the sexes. I hope there’s going to be more. Bravo!

  2. Avatar Evi Psathidou says:

    Helen, hilarious – good fun – enjoyed my break from sending menus to clients. We need more of the same :) XXX

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