Author Archives: Ross Konikoff

“I stood at the register, waving a crisp double sawbuck around like Legs Diamond, finally gaining the attention of a pretty young thing who, hypnotized by my air of self-assured panache, ran over, all smiles and said, through the thick plexi, through her thick mask, through her thick Brooklyn accent, ‘What’ll it be Mister?’ ‘I’ll […]

“We ate, drank, and sang sea shanties while savoring wines from Santorini and waters from Newark. It was so pleasant to be waited on hand and foot after being constrained at home for so long that all through the meal we billed and cooed like a couple of randy teenagers in love. (Fortunately, there were […]

“As we strolled past the recently erected Radio City Christmas tree last Monday, following a late lunch, at which, owing to our immoderate zest for the grape, we had both consumed quite a few flagons of Satan’s urine, we observed a distinct lack of security. I turned to Deborah, smiled deviously, and said, ‘Are you […]

“With our windows open out onto West 52nd street, these days all we hear is the wailing and yelling of the mentally insane street people, wandering aimlessly, some begging the locals, already at their own wits end, for a tiny bit of baksheesh, one woman, adorned only in four or five torn Hefty bags and […]

“Naturally, this entire incident was deemed supernatural, the symbolic final good-bye from Mother, despite her somewhat graceless departure. The owl story became an instant family classic, one to be recounted every Mother’s Day in a loving tribute to the old bird (the owl, not Mother).”—Ross Konikoff West Side Stories  By Ross Konikoff “Sign Language with […]

“Sandy, they’re all over me with this goddamned Ukraine thing, the Doral Club G 7, and the transcripts. Tell me you didn’t tape our Khashogi calls. If they find out it was my idea to lumber-mill his ass, I’m gonna lose some Midwestern states. Rudy’s gone nuts, Mulvaney just gave my confession on TV, the […]

“She: So then, I’d be the beard?/He: You’d be the beard, the mustache, and the eyebrows . . . anything with follicles. I’ll confess eventually, but for now it’s just easier to throw her a bone so, if you’ve got the guts, let’s give it a try./She: So now I’m a bone, with guts and […]

“Naturally, this entire incident was deemed supernatural, the symbolic final good-bye from Mother, despite her somewhat graceless departure. The owl story became an instant family classic, one to be recounted every Mother’s Day in a loving tribute to the old bird (the owl, not Mother).”—Ross Konikoff West Side Stories  By Ross Konikoff MANHATTAN New York—(Weekly […]

“Our first opportunity to strip off outdoors presented itself during a holiday on St. Martin, where we discovered, along its vast coastline, Orient Bay, a world-renowned nude beach and resort where nudity is required from dawn to dusk. Always up for a challenge, we decided to take the plunge, starting off in the clothing-optional coffee […]

“My shower ritual continued to evolve over the years,  one thing added on another until it  required a contoured, long-handled back scrubber, no-skid germ-resistant shower mats, scalp and hair rejuvenating gels, foot scrubbers, three gradations of loofah sponges, shampoo and rinse trays, soap dispensers, a custom shower head, and a vast array of emollients of […]